Over this past couple months, a lot about me has changed. I can honestly say that I am a different person. I am still the same girl who cares so deeply for people, that I am willing to get my heart hurt, to being down right sick because I know it can bring hope to someones eyes. I gave up the relationships that I feel are not worth the heartache anymore. And thinking about persuing the one that scarred my life the most. Here's so for a little introduction for the sake of it.
Hi my name is Sarah, I am the type of person that will change when I see that I've hurt someone. I am the person to be there to catch you when you're falling. I am the person that will be your best friend when you need me. I am the person you need even when you don't want me. I am the person that cares for others lives more than my own. I am the person that is the punching bag, but here's a news flash.. I am not a boomerang.
I am an emotional person. Now, my control for my emotions is quite over-whelming when it comes to the heart. When it comes to other things, it's black & white, bright as day.
I have never been good with arguments. It's such an emotional toll on me that my body shuts down completely. I get anxious, then headaches, nausea, bumps on my head, can't eat, throw up constantly & depression.
My Emotions, the way I can truly show how I feel. The day I stop showing you emotion is the day I have been beaten down so much that I don't know what to do anymore & the day I can't care anymore. It's honestly the day I've learned that no matter what I do, it'll never be enough. Recently there has been a lot of toll on my heart. Those leaving scars, God getting infections out, & Me.. thinking about going after what I've wanted to do for years. My life is not my own because God gave me a heart to show that there is still hope, & above all, that there is still a love greater than your own understanding. I don't know why God gave me this heart, but I do know that you have to be incredibly strong to carry such a gift.
I've made mistakes this past summer.. one I will not soon be forgotten. That doesn't mean that I wasn't strong enough to move past it. I do know that when it comes down to it. I will always be looking back & think to myself, you may not have started it but you should of stopped it sooner. This one will always be my fault. It didn't scar me as much as it's scarred others, but I do know - that things will never be the same. I hope & have faith, but honestly.. I will let go before I hurt anyone anymore.
Here's to hope for a better situation, that it turns out with a stronger & better relationship..
To the person I hurt.. I don't know if you'll actually ever read this but I am truly sorry. Words will never be enough, & unfortunately, neither will actions. The only thing I can say is that if I could go back, I would change what happened. I would of been stronger. I would of been better. I would of been the person you deserved to that moment. Someone who should of told you off the bat that it was wrong, not let that person I had to put away years ago & that in those moments let out. I can get through this because I've been through stuff like this many times.. whatever you need you can have it. I don't have to tell you that because I know you'll give it to yourself anyways, but wether that includes me or not makes the difference. I love you, & even though we still see each other, I truly miss you. I miss myself.. I am sorry & I hope honestly one day you can truly forgive me.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
expectations..
expectations..
the world has standards for everyone in the world, but when you think about it.. in who's right mind does the world get to decide what i get to do with my life? last i knew, christians were not apart of this world. not suppose to be anyways.
if you were to look in the mirror, would you see a beautiful girl? a hansom boy? or someone you think is ugly? today was one of the first times i've spent with my younger brother in a few months, & it's funny because i wasn't even going to write anything close to what i'm about to say.
a couple months back, my brother got me & my cousin into some trouble. you know what i realized? honestly.. my life is my own but it's my choice to give it to Christ who will use it for others. i've always known this but at the same time, i never really realized what i've been called to do until that moment.
age 12, i knew what i was suppose to be. a youth pastor& a worship pastor, which i do think go hand in hand. but that is beyond weird for me.. but at the same time it's because it's exactly what i want to do with my life. when i think about the future a head of me, i don't further than 2years. you know why? because i'm not even promised the next sentence. there have been those times when i've thought about what my life could be like when i'm 40years old. even that is young.. but none the less. i could see myself ministering to those around me & i could see me doing it for the rest of my life. when i look in the mirror & i have an ugly moment.. it's because i see the things i don't like in myself. i can pin point the absolute person that i've known to be in me who is hiding. but my life came with a set a blueprints just like you. the expectations in my life are not of the world though. but i made my life to be more about the people in it.
no matter the cost i have always put people before me, i've always been the one to put my life on the back burner. i was actually called two years ago to leave. to go to a school far away from home because God knows i grow when i am as far away from home as i can be. it's a challenge that i've always just passed with no problem. the same year i was called to be a youth pastor was the same year my dad took my brother & i to ohio without telling anyone. i found myself scared beyond belief because i had no idea where this so called "father" of mine was taking me & my brother. but we just went with because he was dad & we really had no choice. he told us he was taking us home & then we found ourselves in a van for about 10hours. when we got to ohio, it was like i was living in a nightmare. i was molested the first day i was there. then i was locked out of the house when there was a thunder storm but this one was abnormal because of the heat. while i was outside the tornado sirens starting going off. so.. i had to punch in the window, & i had 15 pieces of glass inside my hand for two days because my step mom wouldn't let me go to the hospital. now my life may not sound like it's got a set of blueprints but all of the things that happened in all the time of me being there was life changing. i had to learn to lean on God in a whole new way. i didn't know where i was, who i was with, why i was going through everything, & i didn't even have contact with my family for about 3weeks. so needless to say, i was basically pushed off a waterfall & hoping for the best.
now, my younger brother has gone through a world of hurt. he thinks he's alone because of the things that have happened to him. he doesn't understand his blueprints. either that or he just refuses to see them. i love him with all my heart, the moment i stop caring about him is the moment i'm not here. i really wish that he could just learn to understand what his life really means, instead of what he wants it to mean. making a name for yourself has never been your job or your choice. you were born with your name & born with a reputation & a whole world of expectations. but that doesn't mean that you are to be apart of the worlds expectations. make the world want to exceed yours.
Until then,
Sea it's the REAL Me
the world has standards for everyone in the world, but when you think about it.. in who's right mind does the world get to decide what i get to do with my life? last i knew, christians were not apart of this world. not suppose to be anyways.
if you were to look in the mirror, would you see a beautiful girl? a hansom boy? or someone you think is ugly? today was one of the first times i've spent with my younger brother in a few months, & it's funny because i wasn't even going to write anything close to what i'm about to say.
a couple months back, my brother got me & my cousin into some trouble. you know what i realized? honestly.. my life is my own but it's my choice to give it to Christ who will use it for others. i've always known this but at the same time, i never really realized what i've been called to do until that moment.
age 12, i knew what i was suppose to be. a youth pastor& a worship pastor, which i do think go hand in hand. but that is beyond weird for me.. but at the same time it's because it's exactly what i want to do with my life. when i think about the future a head of me, i don't further than 2years. you know why? because i'm not even promised the next sentence. there have been those times when i've thought about what my life could be like when i'm 40years old. even that is young.. but none the less. i could see myself ministering to those around me & i could see me doing it for the rest of my life. when i look in the mirror & i have an ugly moment.. it's because i see the things i don't like in myself. i can pin point the absolute person that i've known to be in me who is hiding. but my life came with a set a blueprints just like you. the expectations in my life are not of the world though. but i made my life to be more about the people in it.
no matter the cost i have always put people before me, i've always been the one to put my life on the back burner. i was actually called two years ago to leave. to go to a school far away from home because God knows i grow when i am as far away from home as i can be. it's a challenge that i've always just passed with no problem. the same year i was called to be a youth pastor was the same year my dad took my brother & i to ohio without telling anyone. i found myself scared beyond belief because i had no idea where this so called "father" of mine was taking me & my brother. but we just went with because he was dad & we really had no choice. he told us he was taking us home & then we found ourselves in a van for about 10hours. when we got to ohio, it was like i was living in a nightmare. i was molested the first day i was there. then i was locked out of the house when there was a thunder storm but this one was abnormal because of the heat. while i was outside the tornado sirens starting going off. so.. i had to punch in the window, & i had 15 pieces of glass inside my hand for two days because my step mom wouldn't let me go to the hospital. now my life may not sound like it's got a set of blueprints but all of the things that happened in all the time of me being there was life changing. i had to learn to lean on God in a whole new way. i didn't know where i was, who i was with, why i was going through everything, & i didn't even have contact with my family for about 3weeks. so needless to say, i was basically pushed off a waterfall & hoping for the best.
now, my younger brother has gone through a world of hurt. he thinks he's alone because of the things that have happened to him. he doesn't understand his blueprints. either that or he just refuses to see them. i love him with all my heart, the moment i stop caring about him is the moment i'm not here. i really wish that he could just learn to understand what his life really means, instead of what he wants it to mean. making a name for yourself has never been your job or your choice. you were born with your name & born with a reputation & a whole world of expectations. but that doesn't mean that you are to be apart of the worlds expectations. make the world want to exceed yours.
Until then,
Sea it's the REAL Me
Monday, March 12, 2012
Encouragement!
It's been a couple months so it's time to post again. There's always a lot going on at all times in life. But we always manage to find those joys in life that make a busy lifestyle ok. When I look around I always see my family. Not that I don't have friends but in all honesty, I prefer to spend time with family.
Now I know what you're thinking, families always going to be around so why not spend time with your friends while they're there? Because time is too fast to leave your family behind.
Well I don't often get to spend time with my family that much anymore. Everyone just grew up & everyone is already going their separate ways. Sometimes we don't realize how much we truly need to have those relationships with our brothers or sisters, or even our cousins. When life starts to go faster, you realize, wow I really wish things would just slow down so I could enjoy these relationships.
I'm not saying that friendship is or bad or anything of the sort. In fact we need friendships & fellowship to survive in this world. Sometimes, our best friends in life are really the ones in our family. My best friend is actually a girl I met at a camp I work at about, wow it's been 3years since I met her. She is one of the most amazing people you will ever met. Girl is on the other side of the world giving her life to others & God, & in the midst of it all, she's praying me for? There is only a couple people in this world that I feel that close with & she is definitely one of them. Funny how when we met we both thought we hated each other so we tried just staying clear of each other. One day we got talking & she's been my best friend ever since.
She has been gone for 7months now, & not having your best friend around to talk to makes life pretty interesting. I discovered a lot about myself. How much strength God has given me, How much courage I have, & a lot of other things. The reason why I say this, is because generally, I don't think I have much to offer to anyone. God has been opening my eyes more & more everyday to something new that I never saw before. From half way across the world, my best friend knows how I'm feeling even if no one else knows. I have not talked to her for 2months.. She sent me the most encouraging words. I'm sure I've been told them before from someone that is here with me, but there is something so profound when my best friend who is in Africa sends me a message at random, saying these words. It's awesome, God is telling me even at my worst I still love you, even when you don't want to hear what I have to say, I still love you.
I have found myself able to give words of encouragement or words of advice to those around me, but those words were not only for the person I was encouraging or advising. They were for me too. Sometimes we can all just find ourselves in the world of, I could never been important enough to do something that great. Guess what? You were called to live such a life, you were chosen & there is no running from it.
I have definitely found myself in such an encouraging place. I love my best friend, my family, friends, brothers, & sister. Don't let anyone take the encouragement you need & turn it into what you want to be feed.
Until then,Sea it's the REAL Me
Now I know what you're thinking, families always going to be around so why not spend time with your friends while they're there? Because time is too fast to leave your family behind.
Well I don't often get to spend time with my family that much anymore. Everyone just grew up & everyone is already going their separate ways. Sometimes we don't realize how much we truly need to have those relationships with our brothers or sisters, or even our cousins. When life starts to go faster, you realize, wow I really wish things would just slow down so I could enjoy these relationships.
I'm not saying that friendship is or bad or anything of the sort. In fact we need friendships & fellowship to survive in this world. Sometimes, our best friends in life are really the ones in our family. My best friend is actually a girl I met at a camp I work at about, wow it's been 3years since I met her. She is one of the most amazing people you will ever met. Girl is on the other side of the world giving her life to others & God, & in the midst of it all, she's praying me for? There is only a couple people in this world that I feel that close with & she is definitely one of them. Funny how when we met we both thought we hated each other so we tried just staying clear of each other. One day we got talking & she's been my best friend ever since.
She has been gone for 7months now, & not having your best friend around to talk to makes life pretty interesting. I discovered a lot about myself. How much strength God has given me, How much courage I have, & a lot of other things. The reason why I say this, is because generally, I don't think I have much to offer to anyone. God has been opening my eyes more & more everyday to something new that I never saw before. From half way across the world, my best friend knows how I'm feeling even if no one else knows. I have not talked to her for 2months.. She sent me the most encouraging words. I'm sure I've been told them before from someone that is here with me, but there is something so profound when my best friend who is in Africa sends me a message at random, saying these words. It's awesome, God is telling me even at my worst I still love you, even when you don't want to hear what I have to say, I still love you.
I have found myself able to give words of encouragement or words of advice to those around me, but those words were not only for the person I was encouraging or advising. They were for me too. Sometimes we can all just find ourselves in the world of, I could never been important enough to do something that great. Guess what? You were called to live such a life, you were chosen & there is no running from it.
I have definitely found myself in such an encouraging place. I love my best friend, my family, friends, brothers, & sister. Don't let anyone take the encouragement you need & turn it into what you want to be feed.
Until then,Sea it's the REAL Me
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Playing catch up
"Even when we are about to lose our minds, He grabs tight & says just hold on, i've got you. Learn to cling fast & hold tight. Even when the ones we trusted the most fail us, God prevails & protects us."
That was from the last time I blogged. Crazy how much you can learn from yourself when you go back & read what the Lord spoke to you to write some time ago. I really need to take my own advice.
Lately, I felt like things were changing.. I felt trapped, felt like a failure, felt that I've been in an emotional hell, alone, & that I wasn't loved, I really just reached the point of wanting to die a few times. Now I've never thought of suicide, just wished God would take me home & away from the pain.
I started turning away from God this past summer when one of my closest friends & I were separated because I was falsely accused of lying to her parents. This girl was like a sister to me, & I've only had 3people like this in my life. So when this happened I honestly slipped into a world of depression. On top of losing one of my closes friends, I was looking at being kicked out of my home & the cherry on top was some guy that I met once was telling people that we were sexually involved. At that point I was just like...really God? Can I have a little time to heal from at least one thing?! I was hurting a lot & didn't know what to do at that point anymore. I was so desperate to just have a smile & have a good time. I was talking to my friend nick & I was telling him that I was having the worst day, so he told me to come over & stay the night if I wanted. We could just hang out & relax, drink or not. Just do whatever to get my mind off things, & it worked out perfectly for me. That night I went over there & we were drinking. I was finally dead to feeling all the pain I was going through. Then I realized something...I had too much alcohol to control myself let alone drive. I was in the worst position of my life..I really was alone with this guy that was attracted to me & that I was attracted to & we were both drunk. I know what I was thinking, nice going...you truly are an idiot. I got on the phone & called one of my friends, she didn't help much. So I called the one person I never expected to call...my friend morgan. Morgan actually had my cousin Jazmin over that night & I never wanted her to hear about this. I ended up talking to her on the phone & apologized because I didn't want to disappoint her.
Jazmin is my sister, she may be my cousin but this girl is truly my sister. She's such a strong girl, she's the person you need her to be even when it's not the person you want. She has put up with so much of the crap I've done. Now..this past 12months I have been hurt by quiet a few people. And you know what someone pointed out to me? That I felt like the entire world was against me, I have pitty parties for myself, & the curve ball was that she could stand me anymore & she was done with me. Yea...that was from Jazmin, my cousin who just turned 16 two months ago.
I am such a broken person from the start of everything, I never let God just come in & heal everything. He heals in his time, but I always turn around & do something to hurt myself more thinking it would help. I tried to deaden myself to hurt with drinking, just caused more problems. Along with that, I weighed my 16year old cousin down with my problems & emotional distress when she already had her own. I did not do it intentionally at all, so I have not been fair to her at all. I mean I do lots of things for her & I would never change that or want her to feel like she could never come to me, that's just how our relationship is. Now, I've been stupid with my parents & brother, we're a family & not perfect. But the second Jazmin told me she had enough & couldn't stand me, I was more than crushed. Honestly, that killed me more than anything else ever had. That is when I truly realized where I was in my life. I was going to lose this girl I call my sister, & I didn't have a choice. Even now, I don't know what's going to happen, but what I do know is I will never let her go through that or feel that way about me again. She didn't deserve that, I'm the older one & it was stupid & selfish of me to act the way I was acting. She deserves better.
Mend the relationships you care about the most, because they will only mend if you meant the same to them.
Until then,
Sea it's the REAL Me
That was from the last time I blogged. Crazy how much you can learn from yourself when you go back & read what the Lord spoke to you to write some time ago. I really need to take my own advice.
Lately, I felt like things were changing.. I felt trapped, felt like a failure, felt that I've been in an emotional hell, alone, & that I wasn't loved, I really just reached the point of wanting to die a few times. Now I've never thought of suicide, just wished God would take me home & away from the pain.
I started turning away from God this past summer when one of my closest friends & I were separated because I was falsely accused of lying to her parents. This girl was like a sister to me, & I've only had 3people like this in my life. So when this happened I honestly slipped into a world of depression. On top of losing one of my closes friends, I was looking at being kicked out of my home & the cherry on top was some guy that I met once was telling people that we were sexually involved. At that point I was just like...really God? Can I have a little time to heal from at least one thing?! I was hurting a lot & didn't know what to do at that point anymore. I was so desperate to just have a smile & have a good time. I was talking to my friend nick & I was telling him that I was having the worst day, so he told me to come over & stay the night if I wanted. We could just hang out & relax, drink or not. Just do whatever to get my mind off things, & it worked out perfectly for me. That night I went over there & we were drinking. I was finally dead to feeling all the pain I was going through. Then I realized something...I had too much alcohol to control myself let alone drive. I was in the worst position of my life..I really was alone with this guy that was attracted to me & that I was attracted to & we were both drunk. I know what I was thinking, nice going...you truly are an idiot. I got on the phone & called one of my friends, she didn't help much. So I called the one person I never expected to call...my friend morgan. Morgan actually had my cousin Jazmin over that night & I never wanted her to hear about this. I ended up talking to her on the phone & apologized because I didn't want to disappoint her.
Jazmin is my sister, she may be my cousin but this girl is truly my sister. She's such a strong girl, she's the person you need her to be even when it's not the person you want. She has put up with so much of the crap I've done. Now..this past 12months I have been hurt by quiet a few people. And you know what someone pointed out to me? That I felt like the entire world was against me, I have pitty parties for myself, & the curve ball was that she could stand me anymore & she was done with me. Yea...that was from Jazmin, my cousin who just turned 16 two months ago.
I am such a broken person from the start of everything, I never let God just come in & heal everything. He heals in his time, but I always turn around & do something to hurt myself more thinking it would help. I tried to deaden myself to hurt with drinking, just caused more problems. Along with that, I weighed my 16year old cousin down with my problems & emotional distress when she already had her own. I did not do it intentionally at all, so I have not been fair to her at all. I mean I do lots of things for her & I would never change that or want her to feel like she could never come to me, that's just how our relationship is. Now, I've been stupid with my parents & brother, we're a family & not perfect. But the second Jazmin told me she had enough & couldn't stand me, I was more than crushed. Honestly, that killed me more than anything else ever had. That is when I truly realized where I was in my life. I was going to lose this girl I call my sister, & I didn't have a choice. Even now, I don't know what's going to happen, but what I do know is I will never let her go through that or feel that way about me again. She didn't deserve that, I'm the older one & it was stupid & selfish of me to act the way I was acting. She deserves better.
Mend the relationships you care about the most, because they will only mend if you meant the same to them.
Until then,
Sea it's the REAL Me
Monday, November 28, 2011
running
"lately my life has been nothing less that hectic. life does not revole around us, but it is to revole around each other. showing love is something that some struggle with. if i want to step out & live my life for God i need to learn to do that more with my family. seeing my mother come down as upset as see did today to tell me that i had hurt her was one of the most heartbreaking things that i had to hear. my mother is in her 70's and watching her cry & just tell me everything that her life has been made me realize how lucky i am.
unfortunately this is the last straw for my family. i know that everyone is happier when i'm not here. it's the truth because they tell me every single time i come how much of an amazing time they had without me. they've even told me that they wish i would go away more often than none.
running from God was a spot that i hit in my life. it's a horrible experience to not hear God's voice. in the midst of it all, right when you need him the most he comes in & picks you up. he's waiting for me just to turn to him & let him flood back into my life. i don't know if i could miss anything more. my heart breaks because i know what i've done, being caught in the middle of it was the worst feeling that i could have."
This is a blog that I just found that I never posted. Funny how things turn out for the better in the long run. My family & I getting so much closer now. The communication doors got blown right open. God is doing so much in my life right now & I don't understand the half of it but I am going to just trust because that is what I am required to do. He is so gracious & gentle with His childern. Even when we are about to lose our minds, He grabs tight & says just hold on, i've got you. Learn to cling fast & hold tight. Even when the ones we trusted the most fail us, God prevails & protects us.
Until then,
Living for HIM, dying to me, Walking the Way
unfortunately this is the last straw for my family. i know that everyone is happier when i'm not here. it's the truth because they tell me every single time i come how much of an amazing time they had without me. they've even told me that they wish i would go away more often than none.
running from God was a spot that i hit in my life. it's a horrible experience to not hear God's voice. in the midst of it all, right when you need him the most he comes in & picks you up. he's waiting for me just to turn to him & let him flood back into my life. i don't know if i could miss anything more. my heart breaks because i know what i've done, being caught in the middle of it was the worst feeling that i could have."
This is a blog that I just found that I never posted. Funny how things turn out for the better in the long run. My family & I getting so much closer now. The communication doors got blown right open. God is doing so much in my life right now & I don't understand the half of it but I am going to just trust because that is what I am required to do. He is so gracious & gentle with His childern. Even when we are about to lose our minds, He grabs tight & says just hold on, i've got you. Learn to cling fast & hold tight. Even when the ones we trusted the most fail us, God prevails & protects us.
Until then,
Living for HIM, dying to me, Walking the Way
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Blink of an eye
over the past couple of months a couple of my friends have been in terrible accidents. talk about wake up calls not only for them but for me. we have never been promised tomorrow so what right do we have to live the day for ourselves? God put us on this planet to live for him & him alone.
the first accident was my friend bethany, she has helped me through so much. God's love is something crazy in her, she is one of the most amazing people i have ever met. she takes you for who you are & doesn't ask for anything else. i got a phone call from one of my friends and he told me that my friend bethany was in a accident. i lost it, i started crying & just wanted to see her. i didn't know anything til the next day that she was stable & doing well. that was the first time that i realized that we are not promised tomorrow or the next second.
last night one of my closest friends that i love so dearly is my friend morgan. yes she is a bit younger than me but my goodness we are such good friends it's ridiculous. i can't even stand being away from her for a day. well last night she sent me a text at 9:46pm telling me that she got into a car accident. my first thought was i needed to get to her & see that she was ok. i just wanted to hold her, i didn't want to let her get hurt again. i took off to see her & when i got there i just held on to her for dear life. now since she is younger than me this was an even bigger scare to me because this just proves even more that we are not promised anything.
i thank God for these girls, God is going to do some amazing things with these lives of theirs. live like you only have the next 5mins. you never know when it's time to go.
sign back later,
Living for HIM, Dying to me, Walking the Way.
the first accident was my friend bethany, she has helped me through so much. God's love is something crazy in her, she is one of the most amazing people i have ever met. she takes you for who you are & doesn't ask for anything else. i got a phone call from one of my friends and he told me that my friend bethany was in a accident. i lost it, i started crying & just wanted to see her. i didn't know anything til the next day that she was stable & doing well. that was the first time that i realized that we are not promised tomorrow or the next second.
last night one of my closest friends that i love so dearly is my friend morgan. yes she is a bit younger than me but my goodness we are such good friends it's ridiculous. i can't even stand being away from her for a day. well last night she sent me a text at 9:46pm telling me that she got into a car accident. my first thought was i needed to get to her & see that she was ok. i just wanted to hold her, i didn't want to let her get hurt again. i took off to see her & when i got there i just held on to her for dear life. now since she is younger than me this was an even bigger scare to me because this just proves even more that we are not promised anything.
i thank God for these girls, God is going to do some amazing things with these lives of theirs. live like you only have the next 5mins. you never know when it's time to go.
sign back later,
Living for HIM, Dying to me, Walking the Way.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Couple Days
so the last couple days of life have been pretty hectic! family family family, college college college. thats been my life for the last few days. it's been an exciting ride though that's for sure. for starters! recently i found out that i was related to a really close friend of mine so it was good having a real family party with them. then tonight was the first night of the middle school youth group in my church. the kids i would not trade in the world, the day will be hectic but it'll be an amazing year! so for life isn't bad let's see how the year goes! nothing too much for today.
sign back later,
Living for Him, Dying to me, Walking the Way.
sign back later,
Living for Him, Dying to me, Walking the Way.
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