"Even when we are about to lose our minds, He grabs tight & says just hold on, i've got you. Learn to cling fast & hold tight. Even when the ones we trusted the most fail us, God prevails & protects us."
That was from the last time I blogged. Crazy how much you can learn from yourself when you go back & read what the Lord spoke to you to write some time ago. I really need to take my own advice.
Lately, I felt like things were changing.. I felt trapped, felt like a failure, felt that I've been in an emotional hell, alone, & that I wasn't loved, I really just reached the point of wanting to die a few times. Now I've never thought of suicide, just wished God would take me home & away from the pain.
I started turning away from God this past summer when one of my closest friends & I were separated because I was falsely accused of lying to her parents. This girl was like a sister to me, & I've only had 3people like this in my life. So when this happened I honestly slipped into a world of depression. On top of losing one of my closes friends, I was looking at being kicked out of my home & the cherry on top was some guy that I met once was telling people that we were sexually involved. At that point I was just like...really God? Can I have a little time to heal from at least one thing?! I was hurting a lot & didn't know what to do at that point anymore. I was so desperate to just have a smile & have a good time. I was talking to my friend nick & I was telling him that I was having the worst day, so he told me to come over & stay the night if I wanted. We could just hang out & relax, drink or not. Just do whatever to get my mind off things, & it worked out perfectly for me. That night I went over there & we were drinking. I was finally dead to feeling all the pain I was going through. Then I realized something...I had too much alcohol to control myself let alone drive. I was in the worst position of my life..I really was alone with this guy that was attracted to me & that I was attracted to & we were both drunk. I know what I was thinking, nice going...you truly are an idiot. I got on the phone & called one of my friends, she didn't help much. So I called the one person I never expected to call...my friend morgan. Morgan actually had my cousin Jazmin over that night & I never wanted her to hear about this. I ended up talking to her on the phone & apologized because I didn't want to disappoint her.
Jazmin is my sister, she may be my cousin but this girl is truly my sister. She's such a strong girl, she's the person you need her to be even when it's not the person you want. She has put up with so much of the crap I've done. Now..this past 12months I have been hurt by quiet a few people. And you know what someone pointed out to me? That I felt like the entire world was against me, I have pitty parties for myself, & the curve ball was that she could stand me anymore & she was done with me. Yea...that was from Jazmin, my cousin who just turned 16 two months ago.
I am such a broken person from the start of everything, I never let God just come in & heal everything. He heals in his time, but I always turn around & do something to hurt myself more thinking it would help. I tried to deaden myself to hurt with drinking, just caused more problems. Along with that, I weighed my 16year old cousin down with my problems & emotional distress when she already had her own. I did not do it intentionally at all, so I have not been fair to her at all. I mean I do lots of things for her & I would never change that or want her to feel like she could never come to me, that's just how our relationship is. Now, I've been stupid with my parents & brother, we're a family & not perfect. But the second Jazmin told me she had enough & couldn't stand me, I was more than crushed. Honestly, that killed me more than anything else ever had. That is when I truly realized where I was in my life. I was going to lose this girl I call my sister, & I didn't have a choice. Even now, I don't know what's going to happen, but what I do know is I will never let her go through that or feel that way about me again. She didn't deserve that, I'm the older one & it was stupid & selfish of me to act the way I was acting. She deserves better.
Mend the relationships you care about the most, because they will only mend if you meant the same to them.
Until then,
Sea it's the REAL Me
That was from the last time I blogged. Crazy how much you can learn from yourself when you go back & read what the Lord spoke to you to write some time ago. I really need to take my own advice.
Lately, I felt like things were changing.. I felt trapped, felt like a failure, felt that I've been in an emotional hell, alone, & that I wasn't loved, I really just reached the point of wanting to die a few times. Now I've never thought of suicide, just wished God would take me home & away from the pain.
I started turning away from God this past summer when one of my closest friends & I were separated because I was falsely accused of lying to her parents. This girl was like a sister to me, & I've only had 3people like this in my life. So when this happened I honestly slipped into a world of depression. On top of losing one of my closes friends, I was looking at being kicked out of my home & the cherry on top was some guy that I met once was telling people that we were sexually involved. At that point I was just like...really God? Can I have a little time to heal from at least one thing?! I was hurting a lot & didn't know what to do at that point anymore. I was so desperate to just have a smile & have a good time. I was talking to my friend nick & I was telling him that I was having the worst day, so he told me to come over & stay the night if I wanted. We could just hang out & relax, drink or not. Just do whatever to get my mind off things, & it worked out perfectly for me. That night I went over there & we were drinking. I was finally dead to feeling all the pain I was going through. Then I realized something...I had too much alcohol to control myself let alone drive. I was in the worst position of my life..I really was alone with this guy that was attracted to me & that I was attracted to & we were both drunk. I know what I was thinking, nice going...you truly are an idiot. I got on the phone & called one of my friends, she didn't help much. So I called the one person I never expected to call...my friend morgan. Morgan actually had my cousin Jazmin over that night & I never wanted her to hear about this. I ended up talking to her on the phone & apologized because I didn't want to disappoint her.
Jazmin is my sister, she may be my cousin but this girl is truly my sister. She's such a strong girl, she's the person you need her to be even when it's not the person you want. She has put up with so much of the crap I've done. Now..this past 12months I have been hurt by quiet a few people. And you know what someone pointed out to me? That I felt like the entire world was against me, I have pitty parties for myself, & the curve ball was that she could stand me anymore & she was done with me. Yea...that was from Jazmin, my cousin who just turned 16 two months ago.
I am such a broken person from the start of everything, I never let God just come in & heal everything. He heals in his time, but I always turn around & do something to hurt myself more thinking it would help. I tried to deaden myself to hurt with drinking, just caused more problems. Along with that, I weighed my 16year old cousin down with my problems & emotional distress when she already had her own. I did not do it intentionally at all, so I have not been fair to her at all. I mean I do lots of things for her & I would never change that or want her to feel like she could never come to me, that's just how our relationship is. Now, I've been stupid with my parents & brother, we're a family & not perfect. But the second Jazmin told me she had enough & couldn't stand me, I was more than crushed. Honestly, that killed me more than anything else ever had. That is when I truly realized where I was in my life. I was going to lose this girl I call my sister, & I didn't have a choice. Even now, I don't know what's going to happen, but what I do know is I will never let her go through that or feel that way about me again. She didn't deserve that, I'm the older one & it was stupid & selfish of me to act the way I was acting. She deserves better.
Mend the relationships you care about the most, because they will only mend if you meant the same to them.
Until then,
Sea it's the REAL Me
