Over this past couple months, a lot about me has changed. I can honestly say that I am a different person. I am still the same girl who cares so deeply for people, that I am willing to get my heart hurt, to being down right sick because I know it can bring hope to someones eyes. I gave up the relationships that I feel are not worth the heartache anymore. And thinking about persuing the one that scarred my life the most. Here's so for a little introduction for the sake of it.
Hi my name is Sarah, I am the type of person that will change when I see that I've hurt someone. I am the person to be there to catch you when you're falling. I am the person that will be your best friend when you need me. I am the person you need even when you don't want me. I am the person that cares for others lives more than my own. I am the person that is the punching bag, but here's a news flash.. I am not a boomerang.
I am an emotional person. Now, my control for my emotions is quite over-whelming when it comes to the heart. When it comes to other things, it's black & white, bright as day.
I have never been good with arguments. It's such an emotional toll on me that my body shuts down completely. I get anxious, then headaches, nausea, bumps on my head, can't eat, throw up constantly & depression.
My Emotions, the way I can truly show how I feel. The day I stop showing you emotion is the day I have been beaten down so much that I don't know what to do anymore & the day I can't care anymore. It's honestly the day I've learned that no matter what I do, it'll never be enough. Recently there has been a lot of toll on my heart. Those leaving scars, God getting infections out, & Me.. thinking about going after what I've wanted to do for years. My life is not my own because God gave me a heart to show that there is still hope, & above all, that there is still a love greater than your own understanding. I don't know why God gave me this heart, but I do know that you have to be incredibly strong to carry such a gift.
I've made mistakes this past summer.. one I will not soon be forgotten. That doesn't mean that I wasn't strong enough to move past it. I do know that when it comes down to it. I will always be looking back & think to myself, you may not have started it but you should of stopped it sooner. This one will always be my fault. It didn't scar me as much as it's scarred others, but I do know - that things will never be the same. I hope & have faith, but honestly.. I will let go before I hurt anyone anymore.
Here's to hope for a better situation, that it turns out with a stronger & better relationship..
To the person I hurt.. I don't know if you'll actually ever read this but I am truly sorry. Words will never be enough, & unfortunately, neither will actions. The only thing I can say is that if I could go back, I would change what happened. I would of been stronger. I would of been better. I would of been the person you deserved to that moment. Someone who should of told you off the bat that it was wrong, not let that person I had to put away years ago & that in those moments let out. I can get through this because I've been through stuff like this many times.. whatever you need you can have it. I don't have to tell you that because I know you'll give it to yourself anyways, but wether that includes me or not makes the difference. I love you, & even though we still see each other, I truly miss you. I miss myself.. I am sorry & I hope honestly one day you can truly forgive me.
